My son has all these self harm frustration behaviours, first it was hitting us, then himself, walls, throwing, slamming, pulling my hair out by the roots (thats a fun one), now his own hair, hitting the dog and as of this week.. kneeling on floor and banging his forehead on the ground or the nearest wall. This is beyond upsetting. If it was an attention seeking toddler action, I wouldnt worry but this is a personal expression of the sheer anger or frustration in that moment that he feels. He’d rather hurt himself and express that and feel that pain, than the annoyance or temper related to not being heard.
Today I could relate. In a really upsetting and challenging personal moment. I felt the same way. I can somewhat now understand what he experiences because you feel so suffocated and minor and worthless, that your words are heard in an auditory sense, the sounds come out, but the impact or the meaning is lost, or not understood. Or interpreted differently. No matter how many times you say “cheese cheese cheese ” or “I feel so alone and like no understands how hard this is, every minute or every day” its like you are speaking a foreign language. You still cant get the cheese you desperately need. You dont need cheese, but you are asking for cheese, but you cant have it no matter how many times you repeat the sounds. He’d get the cheese himself if he could, he doesnt want to ask for it in the first place, but he’s got to ask for help. No wonder he gets so upset and so confused.
He doesnt understand time and waiting very well. Its gradually getting better, but saying to him “wait in a few minutes you can have cheese”, leads to a wide eyed mystery look in his eyes, then a scream, drop to the floor, kick, throw bottle or throw everything off the front of fridge doors. He threw my keys today whilst I was trying to talk to a NDIS lady on the phone and my remote control buzzer smashed open. I kept saying no and stop and finish and redirecting him but he doesnt stop as I cant in that moment fix what is upsetting him. I show him that its broken and I show him my upset face and he squints his eyes and scrunches his mouth. I think there is some level of understanding but not really. He doesnt even know what it does or what broken means.
To top off a long list of really difficult things today, late for school again due to a poo/sick baby etc etc, a terrible nappy rash from sweat and rubbing, shoes an socks being pulled off in defiance, no clean bra, phonecalls from Doctors, missing expensive therapy appointments, lost disability parking sticker applications, rude Service NSW staff not listening to you, anxiety of the NDIS yearly plan review meeting in a few days which determines the funding figure for your child… there was huge public meltdowns in the huge schoolyard leading to me physically carrying my 23kg son over my shoulder whilst he hits and kicks me moaning, pushing a travel stroller with my baby in front of kids, teachers and open mouthed office workers. Yep, if I put him down, he dropped to the floor and wouldnt walk. If I tried to drag him gently, he’d lay down.
Anyway, back to school again tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed its a walking and no meltdowns kind of day.
A Journey to Joy 