Feels like a heartbreak.. is this trauma or anxiety?

my heart feels broken. i feel like a failure at everything and every day. is this trauma? is this anxiety? is this both? its not intentional, its just my “rested” feeling now. I get into bed, i have things to do all the time. i never ever stop. there is always a to do list of urgent matters. emails, bills, appointments, medical claims, tax stuff, NDIS stuff, home stuff, personal errands, its never ever ending. but i feel like i have a broken heart. i never dwell on things, i don’t have time, i never focus on negative things, i couldn’t or i’d never get out of bed. i am positive when i can be, i am hopeful, i am joyful when it happens or moments occur.

My heart feels broken. I don’t feel like I am ever caught up or not running late or forgetting a million things. Its real, I forget things everyday. My brain has been in high reaction mode since the moment my son was born unwell. I cant switch off. I have a broken heart like an ache that doesn’t go away. When I am alone I want to cry because it overwhelms me, I miss my dad, I miss breathing, I miss showering and not worrying someone is going to die if I don’t supervise or do it myself because it will go wrong and it’ll be my fault.

There is always something more for me to do. I know this is somewhat normal for parents. But this is multiplied by 50. Other special needs parents say this. They have “ordinary” children mental load, then they have the other load of so many complex health, wellbeing, safety, grief, judgement, anxiety, jobs going on and on and on. this is not the same. I feel so broken. I feel sorry for those around me having to deal with my broken heart and my broken memory and my broken body and my broken brain. I didn’t ask for this, but it is how it is. I love my children and my husband, but I have a broken heart. I wish I was better and less broken. I wish I could remember and get more done. I wish I could survive on even less sleep and I wish I had more time and money to get more done. Maybe I would be better and less stressed and less upset and less worried and less burdened with constant tasks and jobs and expectations and questions and reminders.