Maybe this is a normal thing for every parent or every mum, but why does it feel like every single day, every reasonably significant choice to do with your children’s health or education or happiness or safety, feels like its guaranteed to be the wrong one.
Is this a sign of anxiety and PTSD? Or do other people feel this way so often? I literally could be indecisive over something for weeks and days and hours and still feel like after all the consideration, research, feedback, back and forth… no matter what I choose I will later live to regret it. I will wish I chose the other one. I feel stunted in fear to make a choice, to fear feeling wrong all the time, like I wish did the other thing.
When will this feel like its just a standard low risk decision? Even how much or how often or when/how my children sleeps/eats/plays/breathes/poos, is wrapped tightly in fear, risk and potential disaster. What will this lead to? Will I wish I had done a different technique, what technique is best, what other techniques are there? Who else has tried this? Will this work for me? Will I be criticised for not trying this or choosing this?
Im so tired of the worry and the pressure and the fear and the nightmares. Its not fair. I follow all the advice and I read, listen, counsel be counselled, listen, consider, try, ignore, stop, start. Its never enough. Will my baby ever be safe? Will he ever be ok without me? I’m not doing enough. I am tired. I cant do anymore. I have so much to do tomorrow. I have a huge to do list. It never ever ends. I don’t want to do this anymore, let’s all take a break. We don’t have enough time. I might die and then who will help him. What have I set up for him? What have I done? I didn’t do enough. I am sorry sweetheart. I’m sorry my little button. I tried every single minute of every single day for you both. I never stop trying to think of ways to make your life better. I love you both so much.
A Journey to Joy 