stopping and watching and breathing and realising he isn’t going to be this small ever again. but will always be my best buddy. always.

We have just been to therapy. We went to physical therapy, its our usual twice a week appointment.

We remembered and we made it sort of on time. Sort of. 4 minutes late today. Last week the roads were flooding. We missed the therapy appt.

I keep getting caught up in the afternoon rush of the school bus. the nappy change. the snack. the bottle. the ipad. the phone. the screaming. the smiles. then all of a sudden i’ve missed the 20 minute window to change, prepare and leave again ..travel to the therapy appt.

After therapy, he wanted to go to the park. He always does. Today I wanted to stop and find the time and give him the park after therapy that he always repeats and repeats and requested.

I stopped at the park, we got out. we walked hand in hand, he tried to escape, as he always does but it felt slightly different. I almost trusted him to walk beside me, but not when we were close to the road. I felt his excitement in his stride, his slight skip, his tone of voice, the look in his eyes. To have mummy at the park alone. To be able to be there together like the old days. He was so happy, I was joyful to make him happy. I was guilty. There is so much waiting at home. There is my 3 year old. There is 30 odd emails urgently waiting on replies. Dishes, dinner unmade, clothes to wash, fold dry ones, vacuum, pay bills, pick up toys, feed dog, answer the business phone, my own shower, my husband. It all waits.

In that moment its beautiful but so hard to create space when there is so much urgency to get home. But he is so sweet and he is so much. His needs. His time. His soul and his heart. I wait for him, I play with him, chase him, push the swing, spin him, chase him as he tries to abscond the fence.

I love him so much it aches in every fibre of my body that I cant give him enough, ever. I am happy and love him so much. I am broken and guilty and worried. He thanks me with walking to the car with only minor issues, no major meltdown. I thanked him verbally and kissed him and high fived him. The sparkle in his eye. I love him.

I already miss this time. Its not even over yet. But I ache for the feeling it may be over one day and I didnt do it enough, even in that moment. I must be better and enjoy it more and stop punishing myself. Why do we do this to ourselves. Tomorrow I will be better, I will be a better mum.