when your worth is measured in silence
when you allow your most vulnerable emotions to lay bare, when you always give love and support unconditionally, then when you need some care of your own, some one to ask and reassure you and just check in on you, at your lowest. there is silence. what does that mean? when your worth isnt even…
take away all the things, then tell me
if you took away social events, regular sleep, sleeping past dawn, your silence, your me time, your cleaning time, your work time, your life admin time, holidays, weekends away, dinners at restaurants, brunches, walks, swims at the beach, a tidy house for longer 25 mins, unbroken walls, unbroken phones, eating together, seeing friends in normal places,…
stuck in the middle
its the week between xmas and a new year, we cant really go anywhere and we cant really keep the house clean or do many chores at home as our son cant stop moving around, unpacking, messing, screaming, repeating things over and over. it is a daily routine and joint effort of the entire family…
Losing my confidence socially
You’d think as I grew more confident with raising an autistic son, I’d find more strength and feel more comfortable being able to talk about life and being around friends socially. I thought it would be that way. I’ve started to feel like I’ve got nothing valid to say or offer the world in any…
When you realise you have a special hybrid child, and you are luckier than the rest of the ordinary world
You cant find this feeling or this moment when you are in the thick of complex health care issues. I couldnt have found and felt this feeling whilst we were fighting to keep our son alive. You just are on complete critical care mode, so finding the clarity of the place your loved one exists…
stopping and watching and breathing and realising he isn’t going to be this small ever again. but will always be my best buddy. always.
We have just been to therapy. We went to physical therapy, its our usual twice a week appointment. We remembered and we made it sort of on time. Sort of. 4 minutes late today. Last week the roads were flooding. We missed the therapy appt. I keep getting caught up in the afternoon rush of…
this season is…
hard to watch, hard to hear, feel, see, repeat and repeat and repeat todays chat to the doctor was hard. reset your expectations. reset your self care. accept his journey, reset your anxiety. reset reset reset. how when who, to let him live so agitated and so upset and so unpredictable, live while he survives,…
THICK OF IT
Just when you think, this is hard, this is crazy, this must be the thick of it…suddenly it gets thicker. Medications, NDIS reviews, restrictive practices, all of it is coming in hard and fast and changing and then the same. Same is worse than better, same is worse than worse. I think the variation gives…
today
have been avoiding writing the posts, its been so up and down. but lately more down. today i just want to cry and scream and fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck sigh. just why. its just heart breaking. no amount of self care takes away the broken heart. it helps to breathe when you…
When you aren’t ok, but you have no choice, where does it end
**EDIT to note: This post below was written and in draft since July. I never posted it. I dont know why. Probably because posting it was the exact same cycle of “help/acknowledgment/silence/you need to feel differently feedback, that this post was essentially about. But this is how it feels, some days thick and so deep,…
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A Journey to Joy 