We drove 2 hours each way in the car on our sunday to find a special new place, designed for kids like our son (ASD LEVEL 3) to play with other kids with Autism or special needs.
He was screaming, kicking, moaning, crying, throwing his bottle, the mobile phone, hitting etc for most of the trip, my husband and I tried everything, as usual to soothe him, singing, putting on cartoons he likes, food, drink, talking to him, silence, music..anything and everything. It was sickeningly stressful and I pushed through to help him, to try to give him a place to enjoy, it was a long ride there and we made it.
Then we unpacked the baby, him, the car, the bags, checked in covid style, we took off our shoes, and we hoped for success, we both needed a big cry and a wine but we kept going. He played on one or two gross motor items, didnt want anything to do with the sensory room, didnt want anything to do with the sensory swings, hammocks, rockers, balls, walls, trains, lego etc. Everything else for all the other kids was working for them, they had kids calm swinging and playing and settled.
Our son did 5 attempts in 5 minutes of the things he liked, then he started with the “home home home home” over and over, we kept distracting him, trying to chase him , engage him, praying he would find something to tire him out and to enjoy and find something he loves. No. No unfortunately I dont think our son wants compression garments, he doesnt want swings, he wants to run and run run, he doesnt want fences or boundaries. He likes things for all of 5 mins and then its over. We eventually had to watch him start to escalate to a kicking screaming upset meltdown type behaviour as we packed our bags and thanked the lady who runs the gym.
the sign on the wall says, ” a place where you never have to say your sorry “
Then the fight to get him physically back in the car, the fight to get him into the car seat and the buckles, the screaming, I try to protect my baby girl from seeing this and hearing him like this, but she sees it, she hears it. We can separate them all the time. Its so unfair.
Then the awful 2 hour drive home begun. I cried twice on the way home, we came close to argument as a couple, but we know how hard it is on each other, we support one another but we have to stop for groceries, we have to physically plan and run like an athlete in and out of places due to his needs. Its so stressful. It is so tiring. We are limited for energy as we are all up every night, the broken sleep adds to the stress and the fatigue of this life. We cant just run all day and night.
We make it home. The car stops, we look at each other, take a breath and head inside. It all starts again with nappies, tantrums, feeding with a spoon, bathtime and we pray to any god, every god, that there will be a few happy moments, we need more smiles and cuddles and hope that we are winning in some way. This is so heartbreaking, nothing seems to work right now, its our sunday too. When do we get to have a moment to breathe and feel like we are ok, we are doing everything physically and mentally. But its breaking our hearts. We cannot stop doing what we can to make him happier, healthier, but its burning us out.
We get a cuddle after bathtime, we get a moment when he sits with us on the lounge for approx 3 mins. Its like pure gold. Please please let there be more wins. More quiet. More hugs. More words. More.
Where to next?
A Journey to Joy 